Life is supposed to be difficult at times - right?

I've hear forever that "everything happens all at once" or "bad luck comes in threes". Maybe it's so that we'll appreciate when things are better...but does anyone really? Or do we honestly believe that easy times are the norm, causing us to view trying periods as extra and temporary hardships. Maybe it's all a matter of perspective. Perhaps, if we viewed our lives as being normal when illnesses, money difficulties, employment challenges are engaged, then the easier times would be better appreciated and we'd be more thankful for our blessings...

My parents are a study in contrasts. Mom focus' almost exclusively on any negative event or word, if there is not enough unpleasant things in her own life, she'll dig up others misfortunes to let you know about regardless of whether you've ever met the poor individuals or not. Dad, who is the one suffering from cancer, has such joy in his life every day - even the dog looking at him with adoring eyes warms his heart... Do people consciously choose how they want to react to circumstances, thereby making themselves happy or miserable, or do their conditioning or genes pay a larger role in everyday happiness?

I feel like I want to be happy, but just feel sad a lot. I have so much to be thankful for, good kids, sweet pets, a nice house. Things are tough right now, but I know everything will work out in the end for the best, I just wish I knew when that is going to happen. Still...why does the car need major repairs and the cat approach his deathbed (running up enourmous vet bills) the week after I finally ordered new carpets to replace the 25 year old ones? Will I ever find "Mr. Right"? I'm beginning to believe I was meant to live on my own forever - to me, that feels so sad, but I've been divorced for 14 years... My father does not have more than a couple of years left, but then, he has lived a good life and no one can be around forever...I still can not bear the thought of him not being here or, worse, of him having to bear so much pain in the end. My co-workers have even mentioned that I haven't been myself the past month or so.

Maybe being sad about my dad's health just has me focusing on the other sad or negative things going on. Having just past another valentine's day alone, again, does not seem to help. Maybe it is just the time of year - short days, not enough light, too cold and wet to go outside much?

One really great thing is that my son seems to have found what he wants to do with his life and is working toward it!!!! Also, though my daughter was so homesick last semester, her second semester is going so well - school work is looking up, her rowing is improving by quantum leaps, and she seems to have found a nitch with her bible study friends there. They both are really happy.

Home alone for the first time ever!

I just returned from getting my daughter settled in at UVa. It is so gorgeous there!!!! She is going to have an amazing experience. It was great having my son there. He drove most of the way there and back and also carried the heaviest luggage and refrigerator up four flights. It was nice that he was able to see the campus and get a feel for the area H will be living. He and I also got to spend time together touring Monticello (I had already been with H last year) and James Monroe's home. The rowing coach had a bar-b-que picnic at his home for all the rowers and parents of freshman recruits. He seems like a really nice, interesting guy. His wife is also wonderful. She offered any of the girls to come hang out at her house anytime they get homesick - a hugh reassurance to those of us who are worried about our babies being off all alone. One of the girls is from New Zealand, three from Canada, a couple from Washington, on from Kansas, the rest from the east coast - so many are too far to go home very often.

It is really weird having an empty house to come home to. I think that Charlottsville would be a lovely place to live, but I think that it would be better for H to be off on her own... Also, though I really like the job I now have, what do I really want to do? Should I take a painting class? French classes? Spanish? I dread the idea that I have all this free time now and may possibly still not get anything accomplished.

Surreal

How can I possibly be the parent of grown people? Helen graduated from high school yesterday. The whole weekend has been lovely. My parents, one nephew, one brother (not the father of the nephew) and his wife all came from out of town. After the ceremony, we all went out to eat at a restaurant on the water. We were joined by Philip (My son - yes he even suffered through the graduation; she had to go to his!), my cousins Lynn and Dennis, and Nancy's family. Nancy is Helen's second mom and the mother of Leslie, Helen's best friend. There were 18 of us in all - it was a nice crowd.

In preparation, I took three days off of work to madly run around the yard, tearing up the gardens. The entry garden now has a rock path built with colorado river rocks and pebbles (can't kill those!), roses where the sun hits, a hugh crepe myrtle, clumping bamboo, ponytail palms, a hibiscus, ferns, aguga, impatients, and white bird-of-paradise. All the unhappy roses that used to be there have been moved to a new, sunnier spot where they will (hopefully) enjoy themselves more. Maas Nursery http://www.maasnursery.com/ and the Antique Rose Emporium http://www.antiqueroseemporium.com/ are dangerous places for me to go.... The yard and entryway did look nice.

It just does not seem real that my baby is an adult and will be leaving next week already. Most parents at least have the whole summer to get tired of having them around!

Coincidences?

I've been thinking of directions ever more... Helen really is graduating this coming Sunday and will be leaving for camp June 5! I was thinking about attending the Quaker church in town last Sunday instead of my usual Methodist one, but woke up with a Migraine. Again. Then in the afternoon, at the high school, there was a christian service for the graduates (baccalaureate). The "Friends" church preacher was the one chosen to speak! And his whole speach was DIRECTIONS! Could I have been run over by a larger bus? But, have I contacted them? NO. Maybe it's why I've felt so blah lately...

Last week, I had an MRI done of my head. Some doctor who I never met and who hardly speaks English called to tell me that there is a 2mm "something" in the left side of my head that could be causing the migraines, but then he said that it probably isn't anything to worry about...at least that's what I think he said. Why didn't my doctor call? Why did they have someone who doesn't speak English well try to relay those kinds of results to me?

1. The taxing district re-appraised my house - I don't know how I'm going to pay more taxes...
2. The house has termites - OK, not anymore (I hope), but still have to deal with the damage...
3. The 5 year old Maytag dryer fell apart - yes, the fins on the inside of the drum actually fell off!
That is three - won't it stop now!!!!!!!

It is nice that my cousin offered to send her husband over to look at the dryer! And it's nice that somebody thinks that my termite infested house is worth lots - but I have to live somewhere and apartment rent isn't much less expensive than the note (not including taxes...hummm). Texas property taxes are a mess.

None of this seems coherent, but then neither do I feel that way.

What next?

I suppose that I'm just in one of those ruts in life. This past Saturday was our rowing clubs regatta. It was a really fun, well run event. Breff was there - he'd married last month on April 8th and now wears a gold band on his left hand with Celtic designs. His new bride did not come. I don't know which of them chose the band, but it is a perfect design for him. I know that I am not the right person for him, but can't help wondering why he seems not very happy. He says it is because he has yet to find work, but he never really worried about it before. It really shouldn't be any of my concern.

Even though for the last five months, I have the best job I've ever had, I've somehow managed to make it a not so nice environment to work in. I'm not even really sure how. I feel that I try to do what is best for the project, my department, and university. But other people misinterpret what I've said or what they've heard second hand. I acted in accordance to my supervisors requests, but somehow got blamed for doing the wrong thing. Perhaps I should only do what is in writting...it seems such an awful waste of resources, but I do not want anything like this to happen again ever.

While I was working on my daughter's graduation invitations this afternoon, we discovered a massive termite colony - in a picture hanging on the wall - then in the wall behind it!!!! GROSS!!!!

A really good cry would be so nice, but tears just won't come. I feel almost numb...like why does it have to be so hard. I have many blessings: my children (who are almost gone), a job(that has gone from being perfect to dismal in two weeks), a home (that is infested with termites) - many people have much less.

Almost Easter

Easter has always been my favorite holiday. Even though it isn't really a holiday - it's the greatest celebration there is. I like dying the eggs, having deviled eggs later, egg hunts, when I was a kid- waking up to see what the bunny brought to me, now - putting together baskets for my kids (even though they are grown, they tolerate this still).

I have always felt both overwhelmed at Christmas, then later, disappointed that expectations weren't met. My favorite Christmas was the year I took my kids snow skiing. We didn't do a tree, I only had a small something and a bit of candies for each of them. We woke up, they were surprised that "Santa" had managed to come there at all, we read a passage from the bible, prayed, then skied - our first white Christmas. It was peaceful and lovely.

For Easter, my only expectation ever was to have a new outfit for church and to be able to eat a chocolate bunnies ears. It always happened and it was good. Thursday evening, I went to service at church. Friday at work some mess happened, but I still felt peaceful and happy, not stressed out. Friday evening, the church had the "Jesus painter" come. It was so different from previous Good Friday worships - and so moving!

Since my parents are going on a cruise out of Galveston Monday morning, they are coming here for the weekend. I already have arranged baskets for my kids and parents! I've also invited a friend and her daughters to come for Sunday dinner. At dinner, we're going to have turkey and, of coarse, deviled eggs. Maybe one of them will even let me have a bite of their bunnies ears!

Strange feelings

When the person who I had for years regarded as my soul-mate dumped me, he said it was apparent I wanted more from the relationship that he was capable of giving. He'd previously said he wanted a permanent, committed relationship, he brought me to England to meet his parents, gave me a display plate for my wall so that "we could start a collection like his parents", was bringing my kids and myself to house shop with him... He brought me to a really nice restaurant and said that I was "just like all the others" and he never intends to gets married or even live with someone. He didn't ever want to be a burden to anyone as he got older (and other poor excuses). I was devastated. That was four or five years ago. I recently got this e-mail from him.


Hi _______ -

I thought I would tell you my latest news before it is heard elsewhere in BARC.

Carolyn and I became engaged to be married in January - wedding was going to be November, but I was keen to bring it up to April - so, what do you know, miracles never cease to happen! Another confirmed bachelor bites the dust!

It is meant to be a small wedding and I'm not inviting BARC members so I have not mentioned it to any of them, but I wanted you to know. If you eventually hear it from them, you can tell them that that news is old history.

I was amazed to hear _my daughter___'s rowing achievements again last night. You must be very proud of her. And then to hear that she has the scholarship place in ______ University - great stuff. I will have to see those medals she won some day, before she swamps them with further trophies that she will no doubt be collecting.

Trust all is well with you and _my son_ is doing well at college.

My warmest regards,

"The Brit"

Wow! He is 52, has never been married and previously told me that his plans were to retire between 60 and 65 and move back to England. He's always been self employed or managed start-up companies. Now he is desperate to get a job in corporate America. Carolyn has never been married or had children, is maybe 35.... I feel devastated all over again. At the same time, an incredible resignation. Like, there really is no hope for me. I believe that I'd expected him to realize what a wonderful thing we had and how well suited to each other we are...but now, there is no point to hoping.