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Location: Friendswood, Texas, United States

Thursday, October 13, 2005

45

My 45th birthday was this past weekend. My kids were wonderful. Even though P had lots of homework, he came over for a little while. They had both pitched in to give me some really nice perfume! I thought that it was lovely that they had remembered and thought of me ahead of time.

Today, I dropped my daughter off at the airport so that she could go visit Syracuse. I think that if she chooses that university, it would be a good choice scholastically (good art department) and for her rowing (perhaps she'd be one of their best rowers, so it may be better for her self confidence than UVa). But, it would be really, really cold. I'm sure she'll be happy wherever she decides to go.

I'm reading "It's called a Breakup because it's Broken" by Behrendt and Behrendt even though it has been three years since my breakup with the Brit. I am thinking that I have not yet gotten over him as I seem to compare every man I meet with him. The book is fun and seems to have good ideas. One thing the authors make clear is that to get over the relationship, you have to have NO contact with that person for a long time - that has never happened between us. At the end of the relationship, I asked what he wanted of me and he said to "just be friends". So I've tried - really hard. He proceeded to repeatedly stop by to visit, bring me and the kids nice chocolates, etc. For over a year! At first, he'd try to give me a hug and kiss at the door - I really didn't want that from someone who didn't really want me, it was too painful. The constant visits seemed to mostly stop about the time he started a relationship with a woman who is now about 35 - he is 52. But, I still see him at the boathouse, he invites my son to go flying with him, he e-mails congratulations regarding my daughters latest wins...and of course, I am guilty of e-mailing. And also guilty of just still thinking about him. Dumb stuff that is none of my business, like "what does he think he's doing with someone that age who hasn't had kids yet - has he told her that he intends to never live with much less marry - doesn't he realize that eventually, she'll also want a permanent relationship and he'll have to go find another". And sad stuff like how lovely it felt when he'd look at me from across a room, how nice it was that he'd just pitch in and help with stuff around the house, how kind and gentle he was with the kids... I am really way past due in needing to put him behind me and find more productive things to occupy my mind. As nice as he is and as much as I enjoyed his company, I don't believe that I can "just be friends" with him.

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