directions

Life is supposed to be difficult at times - right?

2007-02-16T17:17:00.000-08:00

I've hear forever that "everything happens all at once" or "bad luck comes in threes". Maybe it's so that we'll appreciate when things are better...but does anyone really? Or do we honestly believe that easy times are the norm, causing us to view trying periods as extra and temporary hardships. Maybe it's all a matter of perspective. Perhaps, if we viewed our lives as being normal when illnesses, money difficulties, employment challenges are engaged, then the easier times would be better appreciated and we'd be more thankful for our blessings...

My parents are a study in contrasts. Mom focus' almost exclusively on any negative event or word, if there is not enough unpleasant things in her own life, she'll dig up others misfortunes to let you know about regardless of whether you've ever met the poor individuals or not. Dad, who is the one suffering from cancer, has such joy in his life every day - even the dog looking at him with adoring eyes warms his heart... Do people consciously choose how they want to react to circumstances, thereby making themselves happy or miserable, or do their conditioning or genes pay a larger role in everyday happiness?

I feel like I want to be happy, but just feel sad a lot. I have so much to be thankful for, good kids, sweet pets, a nice house. Things are tough right now, but I know everything will work out in the end for the best, I just wish I knew when that is going to happen. Still...why does the car need major repairs and the cat approach his deathbed (running up enourmous vet bills) the week after I finally ordered new carpets to replace the 25 year old ones? Will I ever find "Mr. Right"? I'm beginning to believe I was meant to live on my own forever - to me, that feels so sad, but I've been divorced for 14 years... My father does not have more than a couple of years left, but then, he has lived a good life and no one can be around forever...I still can not bear the thought of him not being here or, worse, of him having to bear so much pain in the end. My co-workers have even mentioned that I haven't been myself the past month or so.

Maybe being sad about my dad's health just has me focusing on the other sad or negative things going on. Having just past another valentine's day alone, again, does not seem to help. Maybe it is just the time of year - short days, not enough light, too cold and wet to go outside much?

One really great thing is that my son seems to have found what he wants to do with his life and is working toward it!!!! Also, though my daughter was so homesick last semester, her second semester is going so well - school work is looking up, her rowing is improving by quantum leaps, and she seems to have found a nitch with her bible study friends there. They both are really happy.

Home alone for the first time ever!

2006-08-22T08:12:00.000-07:00

I just returned from getting my daughter settled in at UVa. It is so gorgeous there!!!! She is going to have an amazing experience. It was great having my son there. He drove most of the way there and back and also carried the heaviest luggage and refrigerator up four flights. It was nice that he was able to see the campus and get a feel for the area H will be living. He and I also got to spend time together touring Monticello (I had already been with H last year) and James Monroe's home. The rowing coach had a bar-b-que picnic at his home for all the rowers and parents of freshman recruits. He seems like a really nice, interesting guy. His wife is also wonderful. She offered any of the girls to come hang out at her house anytime they get homesick - a hugh reassurance to those of us who are worried about our babies being off all alone. One of the girls is from New Zealand, three from Canada, a couple from Washington, on from Kansas, the rest from the east coast - so many are too far to go home very often.

It is really weird having an empty house to come home to. I think that Charlottsville would be a lovely place to live, but I think that it would be better for H to be off on her own... Also, though I really like the job I now have, what do I really want to do? Should I take a painting class? French classes? Spanish? I dread the idea that I have all this free time now and may possibly still not get anything accomplished.

Surreal

2006-05-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

How can I possibly be the parent of grown people? Helen graduated from high school yesterday. The whole weekend has been lovely. My parents, one nephew, one brother (not the father of the nephew) and his wife all came from out of town. After the ceremony, we all went out to eat at a restaurant on the water. We were joined by Philip (My son - yes he even suffered through the graduation; she had to go to his!), my cousins Lynn and Dennis, and Nancy's family. Nancy is Helen's second mom and the mother of Leslie, Helen's best friend. There were 18 of us in all - it was a nice crowd.

In preparation, I took three days off of work to madly run around the yard, tearing up the gardens. The entry garden now has a rock path built with colorado river rocks and pebbles (can't kill those!), roses where the sun hits, a hugh crepe myrtle, clumping bamboo, ponytail palms, a hibiscus, ferns, aguga, impatients, and white bird-of-paradise. All the unhappy roses that used to be there have been moved to a new, sunnier spot where they will (hopefully) enjoy themselves more. Maas Nursery http://www.maasnursery.com/ and the Antique Rose Emporium http://www.antiqueroseemporium.com/ are dangerous places for me to go.... The yard and entryway did look nice.

It just does not seem real that my baby is an adult and will be leaving next week already. Most parents at least have the whole summer to get tired of having them around!

Coincidences?

2006-05-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking of directions ever more... Helen really is graduating this coming Sunday and will be leaving for camp June 5! I was thinking about attending the Quaker church in town last Sunday instead of my usual Methodist one, but woke up with a Migraine. Again. Then in the afternoon, at the high school, there was a christian service for the graduates (baccalaureate). The "Friends" church preacher was the one chosen to speak! And his whole speach was DIRECTIONS! Could I have been run over by a larger bus? But, have I contacted them? NO. Maybe it's why I've felt so blah lately...

Last week, I had an MRI done of my head. Some doctor who I never met and who hardly speaks English called to tell me that there is a 2mm "something" in the left side of my head that could be causing the migraines, but then he said that it probably isn't anything to worry about...at least that's what I think he said. Why didn't my doctor call? Why did they have someone who doesn't speak English well try to relay those kinds of results to me?

1. The taxing district re-appraised my house - I don't know how I'm going to pay more taxes...
2. The house has termites - OK, not anymore (I hope), but still have to deal with the damage...
3. The 5 year old Maytag dryer fell apart - yes, the fins on the inside of the drum actually fell off!
That is three - won't it stop now!!!!!!!

It is nice that my cousin offered to send her husband over to look at the dryer! And it's nice that somebody thinks that my termite infested house is worth lots - but I have to live somewhere and apartment rent isn't much less expensive than the note (not including taxes...hummm). Texas property taxes are a mess.

None of this seems coherent, but then neither do I feel that way.

What next?

2006-05-07T20:07:00.000-07:00

I suppose that I'm just in one of those ruts in life. This past Saturday was our rowing clubs regatta. It was a really fun, well run event. Breff was there - he'd married last month on April 8th and now wears a gold band on his left hand with Celtic designs. His new bride did not come. I don't know which of them chose the band, but it is a perfect design for him. I know that I am not the right person for him, but can't help wondering why he seems not very happy. He says it is because he has yet to find work, but he never really worried about it before. It really shouldn't be any of my concern.

Even though for the last five months, I have the best job I've ever had, I've somehow managed to make it a not so nice environment to work in. I'm not even really sure how. I feel that I try to do what is best for the project, my department, and university. But other people misinterpret what I've said or what they've heard second hand. I acted in accordance to my supervisors requests, but somehow got blamed for doing the wrong thing. Perhaps I should only do what is in writting...it seems such an awful waste of resources, but I do not want anything like this to happen again ever.

While I was working on my daughter's graduation invitations this afternoon, we discovered a massive termite colony - in a picture hanging on the wall - then in the wall behind it!!!! GROSS!!!!

A really good cry would be so nice, but tears just won't come. I feel almost numb...like why does it have to be so hard. I have many blessings: my children (who are almost gone), a job(that has gone from being perfect to dismal in two weeks), a home (that is infested with termites) - many people have much less.

Almost Easter

2006-04-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

Easter has always been my favorite holiday. Even though it isn't really a holiday - it's the greatest celebration there is. I like dying the eggs, having deviled eggs later, egg hunts, when I was a kid- waking up to see what the bunny brought to me, now - putting together baskets for my kids (even though they are grown, they tolerate this still).

I have always felt both overwhelmed at Christmas, then later, disappointed that expectations weren't met. My favorite Christmas was the year I took my kids snow skiing. We didn't do a tree, I only had a small something and a bit of candies for each of them. We woke up, they were surprised that "Santa" had managed to come there at all, we read a passage from the bible, prayed, then skied - our first white Christmas. It was peaceful and lovely.

For Easter, my only expectation ever was to have a new outfit for church and to be able to eat a chocolate bunnies ears. It always happened and it was good. Thursday evening, I went to service at church. Friday at work some mess happened, but I still felt peaceful and happy, not stressed out. Friday evening, the church had the "Jesus painter" come. It was so different from previous Good Friday worships - and so moving!

Since my parents are going on a cruise out of Galveston Monday morning, they are coming here for the weekend. I already have arranged baskets for my kids and parents! I've also invited a friend and her daughters to come for Sunday dinner. At dinner, we're going to have turkey and, of coarse, deviled eggs. Maybe one of them will even let me have a bite of their bunnies ears!

Strange feelings

2006-03-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

When the person who I had for years regarded as my soul-mate dumped me, he said it was apparent I wanted more from the relationship that he was capable of giving. He'd previously said he wanted a permanent, committed relationship, he brought me to England to meet his parents, gave me a display plate for my wall so that "we could start a collection like his parents", was bringing my kids and myself to house shop with him... He brought me to a really nice restaurant and said that I was "just like all the others" and he never intends to gets married or even live with someone. He didn't ever want to be a burden to anyone as he got older (and other poor excuses). I was devastated. That was four or five years ago. I recently got this e-mail from him.

Hi _______ -

I thought I would tell you my latest news before it is heard elsewhere in BARC.

Carolyn and I became engaged to be married in January - wedding was going to be November, but I was keen to bring it up to April - so, what do you know, miracles never cease to happen! Another confirmed bachelor bites the dust!

It is meant to be a small wedding and I'm not inviting BARC members so I have not mentioned it to any of them, but I wanted you to know. If you eventually hear it from them, you can tell them that that news is old history.

I was amazed to hear _my daughter___'s rowing achievements again last night. You must be very proud of her. And then to hear that she has the scholarship place in ______ University - great stuff. I will have to see those medals she won some day, before she swamps them with further trophies that she will no doubt be collecting.

Trust all is well with you and _my son_ is doing well at college.

My warmest regards,

"The Brit"

Wow! He is 52, has never been married and previously told me that his plans were to retire between 60 and 65 and move back to England. He's always been self employed or managed start-up companies. Now he is desperate to get a job in corporate America. Carolyn has never been married or had children, is maybe 35.... I feel devastated all over again. At the same time, an incredible resignation. Like, there really is no hope for me. I believe that I'd expected him to realize what a wonderful thing we had and how well suited to each other we are...but now, there is no point to hoping.

Definitely older, don't feel wiser though

2006-01-07T08:27:00.000-08:00

It seems that everyone I know who is divorced with kids has someone in the children's relationship who is willing to use the children to "get back at" their former spouses. It is so sad to me that there isn't a better way to ensure the children are with the parent who will do them the most good and make sure the user parent's influence is minimalized (at least until they realize what is inappropriate and counterproductive to the child).

I was fortunate that my children's fathers' influence was at least somewhat minimalized, but other people aren't and that is sad for the kids.

Weird funk

2005-12-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been in a really weird funk. Maybe it's nervousness over the anticipation of the new job I'll start in two days. Maybe I really have given up trying to find "Mr. Right". At a party Sunday, I once again met a really nice man (I'd met him a few months ago briefly). He is also really attractive, also really intelligent (Brown, MIT), also a rower. So I did my best to 1.insult him, 2. make stupid comments, 3. just generally was not even nice. How very hideous of me. I really feel embarrassed of my behavior.
It is also odd that I have not been exercising, eating too much, putting on a bit of weight. What for? I don't like to be unfit. I don't like my clothes to be uncomfortable - and I just don't like looking or feeling like this. It's like I just don't care about myself personally anymore.

Vivian is 60

2005-12-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

One of my best friends, Vivian had her birthday today. Her son and mine were in the same grade, often in the same class at school together. We met while watching the kids at swim practice - sort of. I always wanted to jump in and correct my kids whenever they were not getting it and I really wanted them to love swimming, so I thought it in our best interests if I didn't watch too closely. So, I would go for lovely walks (jogs) while they swam. One day as I was about to take off, a small blond women asked what I went and did - I told her that I walked while the kids swam. She wanted to come, so we took off. She got out of breath really fast. We ended up strolling and talking. Next time, I brought hand weights to wave around while strolling. I found out during our talks that she is an artist. By the end of the swim lessons, she had me signed up for a watercolors class held in the evenings at the high school. She was teaching it. I had not drawn or painted at any time in the 12 years I was married. Watercoloring helped to get me through the divorce. We became friends. She is a good artist and a wonderful teacher.
Today, her son surprised her with a party at my home. I bar-b-qued chicken and pork ribs, double stuffed baked potatoes, and had cold champagne. Adam brought a gorgeous cake from the Cake Lady and golden balloons. He hung them at the mailbox and everywhere in the house. I had cut roses and other flowers as a centerpiece. Vivian was so surprised! She thought I had done it all, but I had to tell her that it was her son who did it, I was just host. She could not have been happier. It has been a good day.

A movie

2005-12-04T20:54:00.000-08:00

I finally found "The Brothers McMullen". When it first came out in 1995, I saw it in the River Oaks theatre in Houston and loved it. Being of Irish decent (I think?) and having been raised Catholic, I saw bits of my three brothers in each of the characters. Some people don't seem to get the humor, I thought that it was hysterically funny and rented it several times after it was released. The last few years, I haven't seen it (maybe I'm the only person who ever rented it?). Anyway, while at Fry's, looking for headphones for my nephews christmas presents, I found a DVD of the movie and bought it! And, it was only $8! Lately, I have felt like the luckiest person alive - this was just the icing on the cake.

Hurray!!!!

2005-11-30T19:18:00.000-08:00

The research position that I applied for a few months ago finally came through - and I was chosen! As incredibly interesting as the job is, I had not expected to earn gobs more money as well...It is a gift from God. He takes care of me all the time; He is awesome.
In a few months, my child support will end. I have been agonizing over how I will make ends meet and put two kids through college on my current salary. The amount of increase is 30% more than my current income - it will make up the difference almost exactly of the loss of child support!
So many times, when I have not known where to turn, He shows me the way. My words can not express what I have been feeling.

Happy Thanksgiving 2005

2005-11-24T06:36:00.000-08:00

I just returned last night from a mission trip with my church to Carbonero, in Tamaulipas, Mexico. We were working with Builders Without Borders Link. My daughter and I had been there before, so I was familiar with the work and environment. We had 20 people from our church there, many are teenagers. Since there were several projects to accomplish, we broke up into four groups. Besides myself, the other adult in my group was Gene - he is a bit rough looking, but both he and his wife are good people. The three teens in our group were Kenzie, Alison, and Brigitte. All three young ladies worked incredibly hard and did really good jobs. For two days we finished the inside of a new elementary school building that another team had built. We installed trimming, desks for a computer lab, varnished the ceiling, walls, shelves, and desks, installed toilets and sinks, and sealed the floor. After two days of inhaling those fumes, we felt fairly intoxicated, so were reassigned to a different project the third day. A different team had built a house for a family whose home had been blown away by hurricane Emily - a level 3 when it hit land last July. The Builders without Borders guys, Kim, Rick, and Doug, had arrived ahead of our group and put in the foundation of the house before we arrived. The other team had already completed the structure, outer walls, roof, wiring, and painted the siding. We finished the interior, installed a toilet, connected the gas for the stove, and built two sets of bunks. The entire home could easily fit into my living room and it is to house six people. I went into what they were living in since the hurricane to get measurements for the gas fittings. It was about the same size (floor space), but had sticks from trees on the corners with pieces of metal sheets, blankets, and black paper patched together for walls and roof/ceiling. The ceiling was so low, I had to remain ducked down to avoid hitting my head. There was no running water and they (as do almost all their neighbors) used an outhouse.

Other groups from our mission built a roof on a house, a foundation for someone else whose home had blown away in the storm, and finished hauling away wreckage from a half-downed home. We had bible studies for all children who wanted to come every afternoon, fed them a snack, and sent them home with rice, beans, or apples. On the day that our group was assigned the bible study, I walked around the town and got lots of children to follow me back - we had over a hundred attend!

I am tired, still dirty (the water that we shower with is cold, intermittent, and brownish), and need to go to the emergency room for a tetanus (I got shot with a nail gun in the finger and don't remember when my last one was).

It was a great trip again.

coffee is good...and today I'm painting!

2005-10-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

This is from a friend, I didn't want to loose it!

(You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again...) A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to giveup. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in abowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity- boiling water. Each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.
The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does myshell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling. It's easier to build a child than repair an adult.
This is so true - may we all be COFFEE

So much to do all the time...

2005-10-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

I feel like I really need to paint in a bad way. It almost mentally hurts knowing that instead, I will get home from work tomorrow to cook and clean like mad. Then Monday after work, about 25 girls from the cross country team will be here for pasta in preparation for their district meet. I will be able to give it a go after that (hopefully).

going nowhere fast

2005-10-21T21:59:00.000-07:00

I got the news today that someone else is better suited to the research position for which I applied. I was hoping that a new career would help get me out of the overwhelming sense of "I do not picture myself doing this in 20 years, so what should I be doing really?" Maybe somebody is telling me that virology is not the way to go... I was also hoping that since it promised a much better salary, I wouldn't feel like drowning when I consider not just the bills I have now, but the ones that will grow when H starts at UVa next year.
Yes, that is joyous news that the coach has told her that she has one of his eight guarenteed spots. But, had she chosen Syracuse, her college would have been fully funded. Who put this big "sucker" sticker on my head when these children were born - and why didn't they implant one on their father?

Moving forward

2005-10-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

Sunday after teaching rowing, I was given the opportunity to try paddling first a dragon boat then a single outrigger canoe. Since I’d been on the water since 6:30am (I started the gorgeous morning by stroking an eight) and it was now noon, I was pretty hot and tired.
I found the dragon boat to be more of a chore. Perhaps because the boat is meant to seat about 20 and we were only four. However, the single outrigger was really fun.
The paddle is bent (like other things that seem to work well never-the-less;-). And is held in what appears to be an upside down position! Keep an open mind (I tell myself that a lot) – holding it with the bend down so that it curves up seemed to help make the release from the water cleaner.
I first spun it around – then realized that this vessel goes forward - you face the bow! I didn’t realize that I am so conditioned to move backward through the water!!!! My next snafu was to take a huge stroke forward, weight balanced. In the water I went – it is a water sport after all! Getting back in didn’t take long - besides, I got a round of applause from the docks and cooled off a bit. The outrigger is on the left, so you have to lean your weight a bit to that side. It made me wonder… If you lined up a group of outrigger paddlers, would their glutes be lopsided? Mind you, I was picturing male glutes to include in the study. As a former member of LSU quadrangle male score card committee, I feel that I would be uniquely qualified. Another difference I found is that there are two steering peddles so that your feet can move just a bit to turn the boat. The outrigger takes upper body and torso strength, doesn’t use the legs to power the stroke. This was unfortunate for me especially that morning since what pitiful stomach muscles I now have were mush by that time. I was still able to get around using primarily arms and shoulders.
I’ll probably try it again!

45

2005-10-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

My 45th birthday was this past weekend. My kids were wonderful. Even though P had lots of homework, he came over for a little while. They had both pitched in to give me some really nice perfume! I thought that it was lovely that they had remembered and thought of me ahead of time.

Today, I dropped my daughter off at the airport so that she could go visit Syracuse. I think that if she chooses that university, it would be a good choice scholastically (good art department) and for her rowing (perhaps she'd be one of their best rowers, so it may be better for her self confidence than UVa). But, it would be really, really cold. I'm sure she'll be happy wherever she decides to go.

I'm reading "It's called a Breakup because it's Broken" by Behrendt and Behrendt even though it has been three years since my breakup with the Brit. I am thinking that I have not yet gotten over him as I seem to compare every man I meet with him. The book is fun and seems to have good ideas. One thing the authors make clear is that to get over the relationship, you have to have NO contact with that person for a long time - that has never happened between us. At the end of the relationship, I asked what he wanted of me and he said to "just be friends". So I've tried - really hard. He proceeded to repeatedly stop by to visit, bring me and the kids nice chocolates, etc. For over a year! At first, he'd try to give me a hug and kiss at the door - I really didn't want that from someone who didn't really want me, it was too painful. The constant visits seemed to mostly stop about the time he started a relationship with a woman who is now about 35 - he is 52. But, I still see him at the boathouse, he invites my son to go flying with him, he e-mails congratulations regarding my daughters latest wins...and of course, I am guilty of e-mailing. And also guilty of just still thinking about him. Dumb stuff that is none of my business, like "what does he think he's doing with someone that age who hasn't had kids yet - has he told her that he intends to never live with much less marry - doesn't he realize that eventually, she'll also want a permanent relationship and he'll have to go find another". And sad stuff like how lovely it felt when he'd look at me from across a room, how nice it was that he'd just pitch in and help with stuff around the house, how kind and gentle he was with the kids... I am really way past due in needing to put him behind me and find more productive things to occupy my mind. As nice as he is and as much as I enjoyed his company, I don't believe that I can "just be friends" with him.

Studio Friday - ...most unusual thing...

2005-09-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

The most unusual thing here is this old scale, or is it the arrow?, or possibly the snake skin in the scale?, or...?

Amaryllis watercolor

2005-09-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

Flower I painted in my parents backyard.

Studio Friday

2005-09-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

Fingerpainting was messy but fun. The whole paper was first almost all covered in blue, but it looked depressing and boring, so I made it look kind of like my backyard!

Rita

2005-09-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

I am on team E3 at UTMB in Galveston. That means that I was called Tuesday evening to go to work early Wednesday and stay until the bulk of the work was cleared up. The E2’s came in at their regular time to stay until the E1’s arrived at 2pm. They will have to stay until the hurricane is over and evacuation rescinded. During the night, at 12:30, I got a recorded call from City of Friendswood advising me that as of noon Thursday, we will be under a mandatory evacuation. I was directed to this web site for more info http://www.ci.friendswood.tx.us/ (thank goodness since I was still asleep when answering the phone). I was able to leave work in Galveston around noon Wednesday, but because of evacuation traffic, didn’t get home until 2pm to start readying my home. Helen and I got the boards to the windows that fit, taped the remaining windows and packed. That evening Alan (a friend who’s company put up my roof last year, he and his wife are also in my bible study) came to the house to see if I was doing all right, we had not figured out how to put up the boards, so he said that he would come by later that night or the next morning with a crew to install them. Later, Michelle came by to also check on me. She saw the same situation and within an hour, her husband, Victor, came by and had those boards installed in 10 minutes! What a blessing to have such good, caring people for friends and neighbors.

Helen had a flight to Charlottesville to visit the University of Virginia at 2:50 Thursday. So, the plan was to leave at 8am (traffic was already being reported as horrible all over the city), drop her off at Intercontinental, take 1960 to 90 to Beaumont, then 12 to Opelousas and if it was still feasible, go down 49 to New Iberia (if not, stay with realtives there). The round about way was devised because of the reports of totally grid locked traffic departing Houston on all major roads.

I woke up around 4:30am Thursday, watched the news, and finished loading the car. We were prepared to sit in traffic for hours. I woke Helen up at 6am since the traffic had worsened and we left at 6:30. We made reasonable time, getting her to the airport by 9:45. It was a relief to us both that we had accomplished that and I felt that she would be safe.

I went north and was immediately in barely moving traffic. Managed to make it to 1960 and was rolling along slowly, but moving. As I approached Denton, traffic became worse. 1960, 146, and 90 all converged there. People were mainly trying to get to Lufkin. Philip called and informed me that the friends he was with were also approaching Denton on 90. There was no gas around there, I stopped at a station to use the bathroom, but it was locked. A Texas sheriff was there and told me that there was no gas until Liberty. I didn’t have enough to get that far (he thought they’d probably be out in a few hours any way). Philip and I found out that we were only a few miles from each other. He sounded a bit like he would like to come with me at that point. So, I went back against traffic on 90 about 5 miles, picked him up then turned back around. At that time, we were only about a mile from the 146. We knew there were several gas stations at 146 and I-10, so we went south on 146 thinking that we could get gas, then go east on I-10 and hope it had cleared a bit. There was no gas anywhere. At that point, I had been on the road for more than 11 hours, was not even halfway to Beaumont, and was now concerned that with the change of direction of Rita, we would otherwise be stuck on the road with no gas and the hurricane could potentially hit us dead-on. We decided to go home - knowing there were two cars with gas in my garage (Philip’s and one of his friends cars). We figured that we could siphon the gas out of one of the cars, rest for the night, then decide what to do in the morning.

I spoke to Helen about a half hour before her flight left. It took her about an hour for her to get through security because so many of those workers didn’t show up. At least her flight took off on time. The baggage people also didn’t show up, so her bag didn’t arrive with her but did Friday morning. It is nice to know that she is safe and well instead of having to go through this mess.

We decided to stay home in Friendswood as it appeared that the hurricane was going east and there was still no gas on the roads. It was so wonderful having Philip here all day yesterday (Friday). He took down the TV antennae and found a few more things that needed to be tied down around the house. It also has been heartwarming to hear from so many friends who have been concerned. The wind grew increasingly strong during the night, but had not rained when we went to bed.

This morning (Saturday), it was still very windy and light showers occasionally. There are lots of branches and leaves everywhere, but we have power and water and the ditch in front of the house doesn’t even have water in it. I called a few neighbors to let them know how extremely blessed we are in being spared the brunt of Rita and to tell them the conditions here.

This morning, I spoke to Shawn in Baton Rouge and he is OK, lots of wind and rain - worse than they had during Katrina. He lost the tops of his pecan trees. Shawn was able to contact New Iberia. Mom and Dad went to Davids house when their power went out. He has gas, so they can still cook but they don't expect to have electricity back for a week.

Philip went to check on friends and his father’s homes. He’s told me that there are no stores or businesses of any kind open, no gas or food. The public safely officers are out with road blocks checking everyone out to prevent looting. He says that he'll come back, possibly this evening or tomorrow to help get the boards back off of the windows. It is still too windy and wet to get on the roof to put the TV antenna back up or get the boards off of the windows above the front door. We have fared well.

I feel so sorry for the people of south Louisiana. First the toe was kicked by Katrina, now the heel by Rita. All I feel I can do for them at the moment is to pray.

New professional direction?

2005-09-16T17:32:00.000-07:00

Today has been so very exciting and wonderful!

I went to a first interview for a research position at UTMB in the pediatric virology department. The position would be one in which I would be developing protocols for the testing of the efficacy of a small pox vaccine. Just as manned space flight brought incredible innovations to the aerobic microbiology lab - enabling the identification and sensitivities of pathogens to be accomplished faster in higher volumes than before; I believe that this project will eventually change the whole approch to clinical virology we currently employ. It is just thrilling that I would be considered for such a position. The interview went really well, I seemed to click with all four researchers, was able to effectively answer their questions and resolved most of the questions I had. It would be a good idea for me to know the backgrounds of the other researchers more throughly before beginning work there so that I will know who I can call upon for support with different challenges. Other than that, they were very open in discussing the job requirements and expectations.

This evening, 18 young women from my daughter's cross country team came over to the house for pasta. In the picture, she is last row, second from the right (tallest one). I started cooking two evenings ago making the meatballs and scalding and peeling tomatoes. Yesterday evening, I went to the grocery and cooked the tomatoe sauce, mushrooms and shrimp. Today, all that was left was to warm the garlic bread, heat the meatballs in the tomatoe sauce, cook the white sauce with shrimp, artichokes, and mushrooms, cook the pasta, toss the salad, and mix the punch - less than 2 hours. Helen cooked an apple crisp that we served with blue bell coffee ice cream for dessert. All the girls really liked the choices of red meatball sauce or white shrimp sauces for the pasta. Most went for both, some tried first one then came back for seconds trying the other. It was a hugh success! Helen's cross country team is such a nice group of girls. Helen led them in a prayer before they served themselves - they also pray together before races. It seems to help keep them focused and reminds them what is ultimately important. Even though there is constant competition between them (only the fastest seven each week are able to run varsity), they are always nice and supportive of one another.

I am tired, but happy.

Watercolor

2005-09-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

Courtyard of Daniel Rectors house on Governor Nichols in the French Quarter. The black bottom pool is fabulous.
I painted this watercolor for my brother who is Daniel's friend. Daniel no longer lives there, but it was nice of him to let me and my kids crash there while visiting New Orleans.

My daughter's drawing of her hand

2005-09-06T15:33:00.000-07:00

When my awesome, talented daughter saw me taking a picture of my hand drawing, she pulled out one of her own!

Studio Friday

2005-09-06T15:27:00.000-07:00

When seeing the challenge "favorite tool" on http://www.tinesparkles.squarespace.com/journal/ Studio Friday, I thought of my hands. My media changes, pencil, watercolors, oil, but my hands are what I really need to create art. I don't think that my talent is so great that it goes down to my toes, so I may not be able to draw with them.

Katrina

2005-09-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

I've heard either from or about almost all of my New Orleans relatives and they are all OK. Some of this is second hand info, it is difficult to get a line in to the area, but it is as accurate as I have at the moment.
Bologna's:
One of Aunt RM (Mom's sister) kids, Maria (a year younger than me with husband and two teen boys) is in Louriville (near New Iberia) at her husband’s uncles home. I'm glad that she called Mom to let her know that her whole family is OK. I just spoke to her and found that they went into Kenner today (with loaded gun in Dean’s belt). Their house is OK, only water in the garage, no fence left and some shingles off the roof. Neither Dean nor Maria have jobs. She worked PRN at Tulane medical in New Orleans, Dean has his own business selling tools of the trade to barbers. Dean’s mother got two feet of water in her home. Aunt RM lives on some property she bought about 10 years ago on the north side of Lake Pontchartrain, so she is OK. One of Maria’s sisters’, Susan and her family also live over there. Their brother, V, has a home in NO, but also an apartment in Houston (his job had taken him here a while back ago but his family didn't want to move, so he commuted). They are OK as is their home. Maria's other brother and sister (H and L) live in other states with their families.
My Dad's Family had all been in and around New Orleans, so they are all now very scattered.
Hebert's:
Dad’s sister (Aunt G) has two married sons with kids. Both are from areas that had lots of flooding, but I don't know for sure about their homes; they all stayed at one of the son's in-laws until this week. Aunt G has apparently found out that her house didn't flood (very lucky, she lives near Maria’s mother in law). Both sons have already found out that though the places they worked are gone, their jobs have been transferred to Baton Rouge so are moving there.
Fleming’s:
Dad's brother, Uncle Chester, passed away some years ago. His wife, Aunt M and he had six children. They are all OK. Nadine and her husband's house is on the west side of town; they have no children and are healthy, so they bought a generator and moved back in. Dana, her husband (T) and child are with Aunt M and C (one of the brothers). C and T went in yesterday to look at the damage they had. Aunt M's home is OK, just a downed fence (C lives with her). Dana's house is damaged and furniture ruined as the doors with windows in them in the back of the house broke allowing rain to get in. They'll have to replace floors, furniture, etc. but otherwise, it could have been worse, no rising water got in. Neither knows if they have a job. T will talk to his employer today to see if he can relocate it to Baton Rouge - they already bought a two bedroom town home there for all of them to stay in and are planning to move in later this week - they've all been staying in a hotel room in Shreveport. Aunt M had a liver transplant 10 years ago and now she is on dialysis, so they have to be near good medical facilities. Dana doesn't sound too hopeful about her job, but she has worse things to worry about right now. She has not ruled out moving here with me if things don't work out. Two of Dana's brothers, S and G were on the north side of the lake, so are OK. The other brother and his family (Chip) got out of town and live in River Ridge, so maybe their house is OK too...

My brother, (S), who lives in Baton Rouge said that all they had was wind damage. They are now dealing with clean up of downed trees, limbs, etc and trying to accommodate all the people moving there - the population of Baton Rouge has doubled.
Mom, Dad, and one of my other brothers (D) and his two boys live in New Iberia – they only got a wind and rain storm. They say that New Iberia is full of people from New Orleans also, but they have heard that Lafayette is much worse. It seems that most of the refugees who arrived in New Iberia have family there.
One of Mom's best friends from first grade (Isabel) has three daughters from New Orleans; her son lives here in Houston. So, all of them are at the son's house. Mom gave them my number and offered for some of them to come here, but I haven't heard from them yet.

I talked to a guy who just moved out of New Orleans YESTERDAY!!!! He is going to join our rowing club until he can go back. He is (was?) an attorney for the students at Tulane. He said that it is really like a war-zone. He had to have his gun displayed to go out of the house. He said that he's never seen so much looting, raping, etc - it is really not safe. They and some neighbors had to point their guns at people to get out of there as they were trying to hijack the car. I asked if he knew why they were acting less than animals - he says the druggies first broke into drug stores and hospitals looting all they could get and now they are just desperate.

Our hospital in Galveston is at 100% capacity. 65 New Orleans kids are enrolled at Helen's high school so far - many more throughout the district and neighboring districts. Continental airlines has transferred all of their New Orleans employee's jobs to Houston. Wal-Mart has offered any New Orleans area employee who can come here a job here with $500 worth of benefits (cash card at the stores & money for apartment down payment).

Gas prices are $2.99/gallon - it cost me $41. to fill up this week - a dollar more per gallon than last year! When I bought the car in 2000, when the gas light was on, it would only cost $18. to fill up. Everything seems out of control and unbelievable - and I have a house and job! I can't imagine what those who have lost so much are going through. Dana said that they don't want to impose, as they know that whenever they end up could be for a really extended stay. I feel guilty that some of my family/friends haven’t moved in with me yet...it would be the least I could do.

My Dad

2005-08-29T17:51:00.000-07:00

My father will be 75 years old in a few days. He had a bout of colon cancer a couple of years ago. It was all removed with surgery. I was concerned, but not worried. He now has prostate cancer, not unusual for a man of his age. But, they are doing radiation and hormone therapy and I am worried. He just looks older and seems too accepting of the realization that most men his age only have 5 years left. I don't want to accept that he might not be here in a few years. It is selfish of me. He would rather go while of sound mind and still able bodied. I would just as soon him stay here forever to do my taxes, give me advice, be my stability. While he has very definite opinions, he is very non-judgmental and loves all of us kids even though he doesn't always agree with us.

In November, my parents will celebrate their 46th anniversary. Since Dad has gotten older, they seem closer than ever. He is more willing to let her help him with his diet during these treatments, she goes to the doctors and treatments with him, and he shares how he feels and side effects with her more often. He is letting her be more a part of his life than ever. He is even talking about retiring; it is nice that he is making time to spend with Mom.

When I was about 5 and on the high dive board of the pool, I remember being frightened. Then I would look down from the edge and see my dad's face looking up at me. I knew that I was safe then no matter what. Sure enough, I'd pitch myself over in what I imagined was a graceful float through the air - then slam into the water. I'd be all turned around, not knowing which way was up, he'd grab my arm and push me toward the side of the pool, giving me the bearings I needed to find my way.

We moved to a new neighborhood when I was nearly 7. All the other kids there, even the little ones, rode bikes. Getting on the big purple bike with no training wheels was scary, but I was determined that if all of them could do it, so would I. Dad steadied it as I climbed on. He must have run miles alongside me just in case I needed to be caught to break my fall. I trusted that as long as he was there, nothing really bad would happen.

As a teenager, we jogged too many miles to count. Sometimes we talked about stuff; sometimes it was just a nice, comfortable silence. Neither of us really knew astronomy, but sometimes we'd check out the diamonds in the velvety sky and find the dippers. Then, he'd point out other stars that he had learned.

My first date was to a high school dance. Before the event, we practiced several types of dances going around the living room. It felt like floating. We had "danced" before when I was younger at weddings, with him either holding me up by his chest, or when I was a bit older, me standing on his feet while he danced us around. When I came home that night, he was waiting for me in the living room watching the Johnny Carson show. He asked "Did you have fun?" and when I answered "yes", he seemed a bit sad. Then he asked "Was he nice to you?" I remember saying "yes, but he stepped on my feet a lot - he just doesn't dance as good as you". We both laughed then.

When I married, he managed to walk me down the aisle without ever looking at me. I kept wishing that he would look at me to reassure me, but didn't realize that it was harder on him than me. As he walked around the dress and veil, he stepped on it twice - nearly tearing my hair out. He was so upset, he could hardly see, I wanted to go hug him, but my legs were shaking.

The only time I remember seeing my dad cry with tears rolling down his face was when my Mom's dad died. Gramps had been a wonderful man to lots of people. Much later, when my children were born and we were discussing what the grandkids should call my Mom and Dad, I suggested they call him Gramps since I had loved my Gramps so much. He looked startled and concerned - as though he couldn't fill such great shoes. Then he looked pleased and proud that I thought he could and said "why yes!". I can't imagine that my kids could have had a better, more loving Gramps in their lives.

Gramps makes the best hot chocolate (from scratch) and milk shakes of anybody. A Gramps will take a carload of grandkids to the movies on a too-hot to be outside or rainy day. A Gramps can even convince a willful, stern parent that taking kids out of school for one day to go on a cruise with them is in their best interests. My Dad loved being a parent, but revels in being Gramps.

A friend finding directions

2005-08-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

I am tall,in blue, on the far right. N is in green next to me.

One of my very best friends who I met through our daughters years ago is wanting to date again. She was married to a wonderful husband that died all of a sudden a year and a half ago. Reminded me of that Billy Joel song, "Only the good die young". Anyway, although I think it is healthy for her to realize that there is life after Howard (they were both only 50), I feel inadequate to help her. I've been divorced for 13 years now and hadn't managed to ever find "mister right".
Mister first husband of 12 years was an alcoholic. Everyone is entitled to their problems and faults - after all, he had to put up with me! But, after he broke our son's arm, it was time for him to go. At least I have two great kids from the marriage. Since then, prospects have been bleak.
For a couple of years, I dated a fabulous British man. He made me feel as though I were a better person when I was around him, I would have liked to make that a permanent state, but he didn't. Unfortunately, he raised my expectations of men. I now think that if I am ever lucky enough to have a second try at marriage I would very much like to feel cherished as I did at that time.
I have tried the internet personals, Houston symphony singles evenings, am involved in my church, and in my rowing club plus I work full time. None of these has produced any possibilities for me, I believe my chances of meeting someone are really slim. How can I help give directions to someone else when I don't know the way?

Why directions?

2005-06-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

I have been concerned with different directions lately.

Directions to where we are going the next couple of weeks. Vacation (of sorts).

Directions to my life. At nearly 45 years of age, I am now expected to live until 92! I feel as though I have allowed events of my life to direct it, so have been floating through, going through the motions. I want to find a way to take direction of it. Why look forward to retirement in 20 years when I have almost 50 left - how boring - and what then would I do when retired? I'd rather find something that I really enjoy doing as opposed to doing something that pays the bills so that I can continue to have fun at it as long as I am able. But what? Study more science or turn to art? How do I decided what I'll still be passionate about 30 years from now.

Directions to give my nearly grown children, well, young adults. How to continue to guide them without nagging or interfering. Where do you draw the line between helping them and letting them make mistakes they need to ?

Chicks jumping the coop

2005-06-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

This summer, my kids are beginning to go in their own directions.

My son is 18. He just finished his freshman year in college. He is learning to become an adult, at his own pace - hanging on to the edge of the nest and checking everything out carefully before making any drastic moves. He moved in with his dad last school year (a whole 20 minutes away), but spent most of his time with more familiar friends and family. It was his first short jump (a hop, really). This summer, a friend of his who was a German exchange student when they were in high school has invited him to come visit and tour Europe for five weeks. What an opportunity! He is eager for this next, longer range flight.

My daughter, 17, is quite a different bird. She will only be a senior in high school next year, but is already making grand plans for her impending migration. She and I will spend a week this summer looking at some universities in the northeast - she is very determined that she will not stay in her home state of Texas. In a practice run, she will be going to a camp in the northeast that will keep her happily busy for six weeks.

So, these next few days, will be our last to be all together for a while. To me, this is what being a parent really is about. Being so proud of them as young adults. They are possibly the only people that I love unconditionally. When they were young, they were a lot of fun to play with and see the wonder on their faces when I brought them on vacations and exposed them to new experiences. At the same time, raising them has been the most difficult endeavor I've ever had. I almost referred to it as a "job", but there is no job description complete enough, it is a life choice. I feel that I worked hard to try to make sure they have the skills they need to get on in the world and feel blessed that they have so far chosen to follow a straight path. I thank God for helping me - I simply don't know how else I could have succeeded without Him. You see, this summer is also my opportunity to practice being just me, not Mom. I've never lived alone before.